be comfortable not knowing

Chapter 232,842 wordsCompleted

The narrator describes herself as a “terrible gripper” who, amid weeks of unanswered interview requests, escalates her hustling and white‑knuckled control until she feels she is about to implode. Recognizing the pattern, she initiates a “circuit break”: she shuts down her computer, stops answering emails for 48 hours, and drives to a café at the far end of a beach promenade, notebook in hand. While there, an email from her New York agent arrives, reading only “Maria Shriver declined. She’s travelling.” She ignores it, puts the phone away, and engages with two septuagenarian women doing a cryptic crossword, laughing about aging, and then listens to an ex‑employee’s breakup story. After a longer than‑expected stay, she prepares to pay, but Maria Shriver herself walks in. The narrator verifies the identity by matching ring styles to Instagram photos, approaches her, and excitedly (though trying to stay composed) shares her recent struggles. Maria smiles, the meeting feels sufficient, and the narrator does not pursue an interview because the serendipity itself provides the needed closure.

The narrative then shifts to a broader meditation on uncertainty. She recalls childhood “anti‑fragile” experiences of waiting at a bus stop for friends, coping with late or absent companions without digital rescue, and learning to “suck it up.” She contrasts that with today’s adult habits of blame, passive‑aggressive texts, and entitlement when faced with delays, noting how the “suck‑it‑up” muscle has atrophied. She observes that the word “unprecedented” is now overused as global systems—weather, politics, pandemics—become increasingly chaotic, prompting people to cling to quick fixes or authoritarian stability.

She cites a 2019 Queensland University of Technology study showing that young people have the lowest capacity for ambiguity and risk at work, while a Foundation for Young Australians report predicts a 260 % increase in required creativity and risk‑taking for future jobs. She adds that global investment in innovation is falling and American entrepreneurship has declined since the 1970s. Virginia Woolf’s line—“The future is dark, which is the best thing the future can be, I think”— is quoted to frame darkness as fertile unknown.

To address her own paralyzing fear of not knowing, the narrator recounts seeking therapy with Natalie, a somatic‑oriented psychotherapist. Natalie introduces two techniques:

  1. Pelvic‑bowl awareness – guided by Philip Shepherd, she visualizes a corridor from the perineum to the crown of the head, slides awareness down, noticing resistance as emotional “orphans” that she lovingly holds, then settles into a sense of spacious stillness in the pelvis, feeling a grounding heaviness and a gut‑based knowing.

  2. Koan exercise – using Jun Po Kelly Roshi’s koan, she sits in silence, breathes deeply, and asks herself “Who are you, who am I, who are we?” She experiences the internal pressure to produce a “right” answer, resists it, and ultimately allows the answer “I don’t know,” which Natalie affirms as the correct outcome, illustrating how the “good girl” need for solutions is relaxed.

She also mentions Rainer Maria Rilke’s advice that doubt can become a virtue when trained. The chapter concludes with the narrator feeling freer after these practices, noting that embracing the experiment of not‑knowing lightens the pressure to know, opens playfulness, and invites unexpected moments like Maria Shriver’s appearance.