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XVIII

Chapter 182,057 wordsCompleted

Liudas and Petryla walk together, talking about the recent holidays. Petryla teases Liudas for never having visited Kleviškis, and Liudas admits he only spent two Sabbaths with his father. The conversation turns to Liucė, who this year has become “a terrible, spiteful witch” who pesters everyone on Sundays. Liudas asks about a possible marriage; the answer is uncertain, with Liucė refusing to marry that summer. Liudas reveals his lingering hope that she might eventually wed Brazgys, and his own conflicted desire to end their acquaintance or wait another summer. He reflects on his internal contradictions and vows that by the next holidays everything will be resolved.

Later, alone in his dorm, Liudas experiences a wave of anxiety about his vocation. He decides to abandon everything that hinders his spiritual growth, committing to rigorous practice: meditation, conscience examinations, confession, and prayer. The effort feels burdensome and unfulfilling; he receives no comfort or spiritual uplift, perceiving these duties merely as work.

Seeking solace, Liudas spends many Saturdays after confession lingering in the empty chapel. He notes the chapel’s heavy silence, the dim red‑glass filtered light, and the way the oil lamps cast shadows that seem to breathe. The silence wraps the space in a “quiet symphony,” allowing him to feel a pleasant warmth and calm in his heart. He begins to use this atmosphere to heighten his religious sentiment, lingering after evening prayers, sitting in the darkest corner, and letting the emotional intensity rise. He watches the large paintings of Saints Aloysius and Stanislaus, feeling their faces shift with new expression as the lamp flames flicker.

After these sessions, Liudas returns to his cell, lies down, and tries to recall the meditation points for the next day. He throws himself into his studies, especially dogmatic theology, reading Thomas Aquinas’s De Redemptione, De Sacramentis, and De Gratia. The material sharpens his arguments but fails to warm his soul; he feels moral theology offers little to his conscience, and even dogmatic study does not revive his faith. He questions why God seems to deny him comfort, wondering whether he is being tested or simply lacking merit.

Throughout the first half‑year, Liudas’s mood darkens. He stops writing poetry or reading literature, neglects his diary, and even the Cathedral’s distant tower no longer interests him. Friends remark on his gloom, noting he appears “completely unlike himself.” A fellow student, Brazgys, openly mocks Liudas’s suffering, calling him a “poor wretch” and teasing about his love for Liucė.

As spring arrives, the seminary’s corridors fill with fresh air, melting snow, and the first green shoots. Liudas observes the changing weather, noting the thawed snow, blooming trees, and the sound of a distant bugle (vyturiukas). The brightening world briefly lifts his spirits; he walks a solitary path, feels his heart tremble with joy, and smiles at the spring sun. Yet the earlier melancholy resurfaces, and he continues to avoid evening chapel visits, preferring the quiet of his room.

In the final scenes, Liudas records his observations of spring’s progress, follows the melting snow, the first grass, and the blossoming of trees. He watches the cherries, apples, and pears ripen, spending his free time in the garden and noting each change. At night he writes in his diary, recalling the chapel’s silence and the spring’s vitality, trying to reconcile his renewed appreciation of nature with his persistent inner conflict about his priestly calling and his love for Liucė.

Running Summary
Cumulative summary through the selected chapter (not the full-book final summary).
Through chapter 18

Liudas Vasaris awakens in the seminary, learns the strict daily bell schedule, experiences his first communion in the chapel, and begins adjusting to life among fellow first‑year seminarians. The seminary’s hierarchy is detailed: the bishop’s authority is limited, the rector (Valeškevičius) oversees daily life and grants permissions, Inspector Mazurkovskis enforces Polish traditions, and the spiritual father administers confessions. First‑year seminarians perform numerous chores (cleaning, serving meals, assisting in liturgies) and must master Polish and Latin while receiving only minimal Lithuanian instruction. Political tension over language rights fuels patriotic unrest among the seminarians. Liudas, looking back years later, recalls these routines, the strict punctuality, and the mixture of spiritual practice with menial labor. Liudas wrestles with the emptiness of his liturgical routine, adopts a two‑part conscience‑examination method with counting beads, confesses emerging sins such as pride, envy and criticism of elders, experiences a winter‑time scramble for a hidden bench by a wall niche, and during the Easter break a fellow seminarian (the formarijus) points out his overly closed and secretive nature, deepening his self‑awareness. After Easter, Vasaris walks with fellow first‑year seminarians Jonas Variokas and discusses his cynical ambition to climb the church hierarchy, which triggers deeper self‑doubt about his vocation. Vasaris observes the seminary’s strict rule against close friendships and notes the scarcity of truly pious peers. He and Variokas view a provocative illustration of a nude, bound woman, prompting Vasaris to confess to the spiritual father about his indecent curiosity. The chapter also recounts the earlier mishap of acolyte Balselis trying to extinguish candles. Variokas announces his departure and leaves the seminary; Liudas meets his parents for the first time in the seminary’s parlatorium and experiences humiliating address as “kunigėli,” fuelling his awareness of reputation and the need for secrecy; a clandestine gathering in the “zirkininkas” storage room erupts with food, Latin verses and heated jokes; third‑year clerk Jonelaitis and fellow clerk Kasaitis join the scene, discussing the monotony of seminary life and urging private initiative; Liudas reinforces his habit of hiding during silentium and carefully monitoring rector and inspector movements. Liudas finishes his first year, receives stern holiday conduct instructions from the spiritual father and rector, travels home and experiences an overwhelming connection with nature, returns to his village, is welcomed by his parents, begins parish life under a local priest, reunites with Petryla, observes clergy’s drinking and a strict vicar, meets the barmaid Liucė, and reflects on his vocation amid the contrast between seminary asceticism and village realities. After the St Laurence indulgences Liudas recalls a tense encounter with the vicar of Šilučiai, deepens his infatuation with Liucė by learning her orphaned background and musical talent, meets the young, aristocratic vicar Zigmas Trikauskas who arrives with Liucė, witnesses Trikauskas’ arrogance and the clever manipulation of the local klebon Kimša, and participates in a heated village discussion about Lithuanian cultural‑political issues, all of which intensify his inner doubts and his awkward, failed attempt at intimacy with Liucė. Liudas enters his second year of seminary, moving from the cramped “labirintas” to a small shared room of four, no longer under constant supervision by a formarijus. He develops his first romantic and erotic attraction toward Liucė, wrestling with seminary teachings on celibacy. After a few weeks he is ordered by Inspector Mazurkovskis to relinquish his room and return to the labirintas; he protests, is mocked, and is forced to move back, feeling humiliation. Later he confesses a vague “excessive opposition” and receives stern admonition from the Spiritual Father, settling into resigned acceptance of the hierarchy. Liudas participates in the great Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary indulgence celebration; his choir talents free him from assistant duties and earn him praise; during the mass he experiences a vivid vision of an unknown woman, idealizing her as a poetic love; the celebratory atmosphere lifts his spirits and earns him admiration from fellow seminarians; Petryla informs Liudas that Liucė will visit the seminary soon, heightening his anticipation; after the festivities Liudas returns to the labirintas and falls asleep, still haunted by the vision. Liudas experiences a melancholic “quies” day, imagines an unknown woman, writes his first poem, receives his poem printed in a newspaper, and is initiated into the clandestine literary society “Šviesa,” meeting third‑year clerk Petras Varnėnas and fourth‑year clerk Matas Sereika. Liudas receives an unexpected Christmas‑time visit from the priest Kimša and Liucė; the three meet in the parlatorium where Liucė brings hand‑knitted gloves and playful banter ensues with Petryla, who jokes about Liudas’s nickname “Pavasarėlis” and warns him of possible jealousy. Liudas’s attraction to Liucė deepens, prompting a long internal debate about love, its forms, and the conflict between clerical celibacy and youthful desire, while he reflects on the seminary’s festive atmosphere and his own emotional turmoil. During the Carnival season the seminarians organize “pončkos” festivities and a “Šviesa” society meeting to plan a literary program. Varnėnas, a third‑year clerk, volunteers to recite Maironis’s poem “Skausmo balsas” at the society’s stage. His loud, confrontational performance provokes outrage from the rector, Inspector Mazurkovskis, the chaplain and other senior clergy, who interrupt, question the poem’s author, and chastise Varnėnas for breaching the rule that no seminary member may publish or distribute writings without the rector’s permission. The rector publicly rebukes Varnėnas, expels him from the “Šviesa” circle and warns him that his literary ambitions are dangerous for a priest. The incident deepens Vasaris’s anxiety about his own poetic aspirations and the clash between Lithuanian nationalist sentiment and the seminary’s Polish‑dominant authority. The chapter also records heightened Lithuanian‑Polish tensions, the continued secret reading of Lithuanian and foreign literature, and the admonition that seminary curricula omit classic world literature. Varnėnas is expelled and Vasaris spends his holidays at his family farm, repeatedly climbing the Aušrakalnis hill where he writes nature‑inspired poetry and reflects on the limits of priestly idealism. He deepens his secret love for Liucė, attempts a belated visit to her home and receives a cold reception. Later Liucė, accompanied by Trikauskas, visits the seminary; during the visit Vasaris is publicly mocked by the outspoken student Brazgys, who denounces seminarians’ hypocrisy. A surprising visit from the Kleviškis organist and the priest’s female relative brings Liucė to Vasaris’s home, where they walk the garden together but Liucė remains distant. Vasaris ends the chapter in solitary melancholy, still longing for Liucė and questioning his vocation. Liudas is placed in a hostile room with four Polish seminarians who repeatedly mock and undermine him, highlighting heightened Lithuanian‑Polish tensions. He endures third‑year moral theology lectures, participates in a demanding confession case presented by a professor involving a penitent named Kajus and a disputed kiss, and continues his secret diary writing hidden in the “žirkininkas” food box, deepening his sense of emptiness and disillusionment with theological study. Liudas continues to record his bleak daily routine, wrestles with doubts about priesthood, receives encouragement from his friend Eigulis to write poetry, his father visits with snacks, Liucė confesses her longing and reveals her mother is a Polish countess, and Liudas fantasizes about a romantic encounter with her in an abandoned manor, deepening his inner conflict between clerical duty and personal desire. The scandal of fifth‑year seminarians Bronius Radastinas’s expulsion is revealed, the rector reads a public condemnatory letter to the seminarians, Liudas Vasaris is shaken by the incident, the third‑year receives lower minor orders and undergoes tonsure, Jonelaitis receives a letter from Varnėnas commenting on Liudas’s poetry, and Liudas’s inner conflict between his poetic aspirations, love for Liucė, and clerical duties deepens. Liudas Vasaris, urged by senior cleric Jonelaitis, makes his first train journey with Jonelaitis and Kasaitis, visiting Vilnius and Trakai. The trio tours Aušros Vartai, Gediminas Hill, the Cathedral, and Trakai castle, reflecting on Lithuanian cultural suppression under Polish‑dominated clergy. Vasaris experiences vivid imagination flights, feels both exhilarated and haunted by his earlier Radastinas letter, and returns home for the final week of holidays, where his parents reprimand his scarce presence and he fears a dangerous meeting with Liucė’s family. The chapter deepens his internal conflict between priestly duty, poetic ambition, and romantic longing. Liudas discusses Liucė with Petryla, learning she has become bitter and spiteful, and he ponders marriage but resolves to intensify his spiritual practice instead of abandoning the seminary. He discovers a unique emotional resonance in the empty chapel, using its silence for deeper meditation, yet finds his dogmatic theology studies unsatisfying. His isolation grows, with fellow student Brazgys mocking him, while the arrival of spring briefly lifts his spirits.