Chapter 18

Chapter 182,057 wordsCompleted

At the start of the chapter Liudas Vasaris, still a novice in the seminary, argues with his fellow student Petryla about Liucė’s recent hostile behaviour toward him. Vasaris feels increasingly alienated and decides to abandon the noisy communal routine. He spends long hours alone in the chapel after evening prayers, sitting in the darkest corner beneath a single oil lamp whose red‑glass shade casts a muted glow on the altar. The chapel is described as a vast, sound‑insulated space where only the painted saints—St. Aloys and St. Stanislovas—break the gloom. In this solitude Vasaris attempts the prescribed spiritual exercises: meditation, conscience scrupulosity, confession, and prayer, but each feels like an empty duty, offering no comfort.

Seeking intellectual nourishment, Vasaris turns to the dogmatic treatises De Redemptione, De sacramentis and De gratia. He reads them diligently, noting the logical precision of the arguments, yet feels no warmth in his soul; the texts, while academically solid, fail to ignite any spiritual fire. This disappointment intensifies his internal questioning: “Why does God seem absent? Why does my soul remain unmoved?” He contemplates that ordinary practices are insufficient and muses that only an “exceptional, individual method” might awaken his faith.

During a later walk through the seminary grounds in early spring, Vasaris notices the seasonal transformation. He counts the days of remaining snow, watches the first blades of grass pierce the earth, and records the first blossoms on a garden shrub. While traversing a quiet path, a bright, cheerful bird (a tvorinis vyturiukas) suddenly bursts into song, startling Vasaris and lifting his spirits. The sound feels like a “song of spring” that momentarily dispels his melancholy. He begins to feel a renewed emotional balance, noting the contrast between the chapel’s oppressive silence and the lively, open world outside.

Encouraged by this natural resurgence, Vasaris returns to his studies with a modest optimism, continues to keep a diary of his observations, and resolves to persist in his vocation despite lingering doubts. The chapter closes with Vasaris feeling a subtle but tangible shift from despondence toward a tentative hope, rooted in the simple, vibrant signs of the coming season.