Chapter 19

Chapter 192,230 wordsCompleted

On a Thursday in early June, Vasaris, Jonelaitis, Kasaitis, Eigulis, and a few other “Šviesos” members stroll to a beloved forest clearing. While resting, they launch into a heated discussion about the newly installed Professor Vingelevičius, who has again “angered the clerics” by provoking a novice with absurd theological questions (e.g., the difference between a hen and a rooster). The group recounts Vingelevičius’s rapid rise from a previously insignificant vicar to a professor, noting that the rector needed a partner, and expresses skepticism about the legitimacy of his appointment. Jonelaitis attempts to calm the debate, while others, including Vasaris, criticize the broader clergy as either Polish‑aligned, drunken, or career‑driven, arguing that such “old‑generation” priests have little genuine piety.

Vasaris reflects on his own alienation, feeling like an outsider (“našlaitis”) among senior seminarians and describing senior figures (including the dogmatic lecturer Mazurkovskis) as pompous, hypocritical, and self‑serving. He resolves that the young must be protected from the corrupt paths of the elders and that the “Šviesos” members must safeguard their ideals.

The narrative shifts to an introspective monologue where Vasaris laments having to conceal his inner life. He formulates a personal creed—“Silence, hide, and conceal your dreams and feelings”—and identifies this as the first level of secrecy practiced by seminarians. He recounts discovering a volume of Tiutchev’s poems, becoming especially moved by “Silentium,” and, unable to control his excitement, paraphrases the poem in his diary, writing feverishly about the need to suppress his aspirations and emotions.

Vasaris concludes the chapter by analyzing the psychological cost of this secrecy, contrasting the first level (surface‑level concealment of actions) with a deeper, more dangerous second level (hiding the very essence of one’s spiritual self). He acknowledges that his own inner rebelliousness continuously clashes with the institutional demands, leaving him in a state of ongoing conflict and yearning for authentic expression.