Chapter 3
Liudas Vasaris, now a first‑year cleric, attempts to convince his peers that God exists using logical arguments, but none are persuaded and their doubts remain unaddressed. Realizing argumentation is ineffective, he turns to a pragmatic approach: immersing himself in the seminary’s daily life as the sole path to “living faith.” He hears from the seminary’s spiritual father that true faith is a grace, not a rational construct, and that theological reasoning cannot create it. This prompts Liukas to question the basis of his belief—whether it stems from tradition, fear of death, the seminarian environment, reason, or divine love. He concludes that genuine faith must be rooted in love for God, which he cannot feel.
The chapter details his struggle with bodily fatigue: frequent drowsiness during meditation, a cramped chapel corner blocked by a wall of candles, and competition for seating. To combat spiritual lethargy he adopts two daily “examen conscientiae” practices—general and particular—counting sins with small beads. Despite these tools he finds confession anxiety‑provoking; he perceives each confessed sin as an indescribable, haunting shade that he cannot fully articulate, leading to lingering dissatisfaction.
Liudas begins systematically cataloguing sins, initially noting “pride” (a modest sense of satisfaction), then adding “envy,” “criticism of elders,” and other serious faults. He confesses these repeatedly, hoping to discover new categories, while peers either struggle to answer similar questions or divert conversation. He feels increasingly “closed” and “hidden,” a trait highlighted by the senior guardian (formarijus), who tells him he is overly secretive despite his outward openness. This feedback, coupled with his internal “shield” separating him from the communal atmosphere, amplifies his isolation.
Throughout the chapter, Liudas reflects on the seminary’s relentless routine—bells, meditations, lectures, silence periods—and how it erodes genuine spiritual warmth, reducing religious practice to a mechanical habit. He perceives a vast abyss between logical doctrines and lived reality, noting that even the most fervent prayers lack the felt love that characterizes true divine affection. The chapter closes with Liudas recognizing that his spiritual journey is a struggle between the divine ideal and his own inertia, leaving him unsure of his future path within the priesthood.