Chapter 57

Chapter 572,366 wordsCompleted

At dawn Liudas wakes, walks to the window and sees his mother leaning against the fence, dusting and cleaning his sutana that she has kept safe since he left it the last time he visited his father’s house at the beginning of the war. She scolds him for having left the cassock at home and hurriedly brings it to him, urging him to wear it for the upcoming church service. Liudas replies that he had not thought it necessary because he will only visit the priest briefly and does not expect to travel to the church in time.

His mother, upset, reminds him that the family had already arranged for all relatives to be summoned for the “egzekvijos” (funeral rites) of Šilainių dėdė, and Liudas feels a hot wave of guilt. He mutters that he wishes the rites could be held without his knowledge, but his father’s stubbornness forces the family to proceed with the traditional gathering of all living and dead relatives. Liudas watches his mother wipe away tears and resigns to the plan.

After the family discussion, Liukas goes alone into the fields, climbs the hill Aušrakalnis, and lies on the thyme‑scented summit to ruminate on his dilemma. He sees a small remaining hope: perhaps he could sing the nocturnes himself and ask the parish priest to allow him to celebrate the Mass. He then realises that, according to canon law, a priest who has not confessed for three years is suspended and may not administer any sacrament. This would require him to visit the priest for confession, undergo three days of retreats, enumerate sins, awaken contrition, and promise amendment – a process he knows he cannot complete now.

Liudas wrestles with the moral versus juridical dimensions of the problem. He argues that the objective worth of the Mass does not depend on his personal conscience; the sacrament’s efficacy is rooted in divine law, not in his canonical status. He decides that, despite the formal prohibition, he will celebrate the Mass himself, trusting that the holy act will be valid.

Motivated by this decision, Liudas returns to the house, dons the sutana (which, though slightly torn, fits him well), walks through the rooms several times, steps outside into the courtyard, and proceeds to the church. He feels his feet steady, though he is aware of his lack of recent practice. Inside the church, he begins the liturgy. When he reaches the consecration, his hands tremble, his vision blurs, and he briefly loses balance, but he steadies himself and continues. He recites the “Confiteor,” feeling a sudden thought that this may be the “maxima culpa” of his life, but pushes through. The service proceeds without further incident; he hears the choir, the organ, the murmuring of the faithful, and the “Dominus vobiscum” and “Orate fratres” responses. He sees his father and several other relatives among the congregation, which strengthens him. During the consecration and the communion, he experiences a faint dizziness, briefly grasps the altar for support, but completes the rite.

After the Mass, communion is received, and the parishioners commend him. His father declares, “Now you are a real priest again,” and the mother, despite earlier frustration, praises him. The family celebrates his return to priestly duties, and Liudas feels a mixture of relief and lingering inner conflict. Later, concerned that he may have forgotten parts of the liturgy after several years away, he goes to the clerical library to search for missal pages and other texts, hoping to re‑learn the prayers and chants. He also reflects on the earlier vision of a white woman that will appear in later chapters, but at this point he remains focused on reconciling his conscience with his clerical obligations. The chapter ends with Liudas lying again on Aušrakalnis, contemplating the uneasy balance between moral conscience and formal church law, yet feeling a modest sense of resolution that he has fulfilled his immediate duty.